Title: Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life
Author: Kristina Mand-Lakhiani
Year: 2023
Publisher: Hay House Inc
“But remember the first simple rule of emotional intelligence: emotions are neither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong. They just are, they carry an important message for you.” –Kristina Mand-Lakhiani
“Becoming Flawesome” is a path to authenticity, it’s to learn that life is a dance where sometimes you might step on your partner’s feet, and where you go forward and backwards, but it is all about finding the right rhythm.
The writer, Kristina Mand-Lakhiani born in Soviet Russia, takes us on a unique adventure throughout her life and work (more than twenty years in self-growth)! This book relates to “positive psychology“, a topic I do not particularly like, but we cannot deny that we can find wisdom and profound gems of insight, gems which we will talk about in this review article.
Our Masks
I will talk about three specific topics from Becoming Flawesome. The first one is about the masks we use to portray ourselves in daily life. The masks we use the most are the “Good Girl” and the “Good Boy“, why? Because our brains are wired to fear rejection, an easy explanation would be because of our ego, but it is more complex than that.
It’s something hard to change, and we must understand how useful it was and still is in some situations, but do not forget – you cannot be ashamed of being yourself. You must be authentic, and by doing this, you will meet people with your same interests and who you can gel and thrive with.
Who Are You?
Okay, now that you took your mask off, you must look at yourself in the mirror and ask: “Who are you?“
Kristina mentions in “Becoming Flawesome” how we all have a small “bio“, a profile we repeat when someone asks about us or when we present ourselves to others; this “bio” might change in different scenarios and, of course, they all refer to the different masks we use.
We can relate these two concepts to Carl Jung’s theory; where he explains that all these masks, characters, or “personas” are part of each one of us, they all make the “self“; they all make up who we are.
I know it can be a hard concept to grasp, but what I’m trying to say is not to label yourself (as Bukowski said), and not to be ashamed of any part of your soul – the good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly – we are all a mix of different colours and flavours. This is how we grow as humans, accepting and embracing how unique and different we all are.
The 6 Rules
Now that we are learning how to be authentic, let’s see the third and last topic, which will help you practise the last two concepts – a set of 6 rules on how to communicate with honesty:
1. Clarity
Every journey has a destination and a goal; you must express yourself in a simple way for others to understand you (a Jordan Peterson reference).
2. Acceptance
You can be right, you can be wrong, and you must know that you cannot change everyone’s point of view, nor help everybody.
3. Nonviolence
Do not judge, do not teach, do not preach, let people express themselves and do not give unwanted advice.
4. No Stories
Sometimes there is no need to explain your emotions, if you want to say yes, say yes, and if you want to say no, say no.
5. Sincerity
Be true to yourself, speak your beliefs and thoughts and do not repeat what others want you to say.
6. Personal Practice
Talk with others, learn about them and yourself; what makes you angry, what makes you happy and how to control your emotions along with active listening.
Conclusion
As the last chapter of “Becoming Flawesome” says: “There are no recipes in life.” Every person has a journey, and each one is different, so focus on yourself before criticising your neighbour’s garden, because there must be something missing in yours.
Even though there are plenty of topics from the book to discuss (find your “why“, habits, words with luggage, fear, self-love) the three mentioned reflect the idea of the book: being authentic. If you enjoyed this review, you can learn more about Kristina’s work at Mindvalley, and remember to live your life with honesty, kindness, courage, and of course, live your life flawesomely!
My Favourite Chapter
Emotional First Aid (Chapter IV: The Art of Imperfection), plus there’s a little breathing exercise.
Favourite Quotes
“Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” -Colloquial Wisdom
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked. “Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” “How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice. “You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.” -Lewis Carroll
“Some people fake their death, I’m faking my life.” -Don Delillo
“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.” -Viktor Frankl
“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” -Susan David
